Hey {}
Life is complicated, right? Sometimes we say a thing and forget soon after. What we usually don’t know is that said thing might haunt others forever.
A couple of years ago {} died. Despite not even knowing him, I crashed. My childhood dream of travelling to his country and meeting him someday was destroyed.
Nowadays I see that event as the official day I became an adolescent and left childhood behind. There I really realized that childhood dreams aren’t, most of the time, possible.
But the worst part? It’s what you said at the time.
A couple of hours after learning about his death, I was calmer and said:
— Well, I’m calmer. At least he must be in a better place.
You answered:
— Or not.
The worst part: Deep down, I agreed with you.
There was no way for you to know it, since this was something no one knew at the time: I’ve had problems with “religion” since I was 5, being haunted by intrusive thoughts. Growing up in a Christian environment, I was raised to believe that only they went to heaven.
{} was Catholic, and I knew that if this religion was right, he was in hell.
For many years I blamed you as a proxy for something much more problematic. Today, I realize that the blame was with me, in my own mental conditions, and that I have to work on my sh*t.
I forgive you.
Letters to whom is a personal project to train myself on forgiveness and letting go of intrusive thoughts.